god.made.a.mistake.

Funny how one face from the past can remind you that you hate who you were, you hate who you are, and you hate who you will become.

god. i really am a fucking failure. i really am.

Happy Ney Year. Ive loss about eight pounds in the last week. severely restricting and throwing up the meals i eat around my parents right after. i hate that shit. i have to hide my behavior because the rents will send me to a therapist and a nutritionist again which i cannot deal with. although im getting back in the swing of things, i wish that the self destruction will hurry the fuck up.

new years resolutions:
-no breakfast
-no lunch
-minimal dinner
-surpass my highest weightloss to date- 35 pounds in two and a half months
(my lowest weight was 88)
-work out if not do calisthenics daily
-go to the fucking gym instead of just my treadmill at home
-cut down on smoking

thats all.pics later.

Jessica and Nate (the Newlyweds!)

 

( some of my  artwork )

                                                          ~*~Why is it that you cry?~*~

Today sucked. thats the only word for it. i went to school and got the work that i was missing. they said since i was doing so "well", i may be able to come back after christmas break. i love how everyone thinks im doing okay, but really i am sinking lower and lower into the infinite blackness. everyone said that i looked good.. and really stressed that point. my friend britney was asking everybody, "doesn't she look really good? im for real, she really looks good." maybe because ive lost ten pounds, but i am still hideous.

"just give me medicine, prescribe me anything. just knock me out and walk me through that door. cause i have no desire to see through my own eyes anymore."

so now that im in rehab, my pychiatrist (who im no longer seeing: i guess he gave up) took me off all of my meds. cold turkey. needless to say i have no trouble crying anymore. i am very emotional when it comes to other people and their situations, but when i think of my own, i only feel apathetic and indifferent.

peace.out.

goodbye everyone. i love you all so much.

ok guys well my journal is now friends only. sorry. leave me a comment and i'll add you. for those of you without lj sorry!! so basically the main reason i am making this friends only is because i don't want people that i know knowing all about my depression and eating disorder and such. im sick of everyne telling me how wrong it is. its my life, some of yall just don't understand that. i love all of you so much and don't take it personally if i take you off my friends list... i will make a less depressing lj and add yall there... love you guys! <3 Kayla

today was blah. went to church tonight. saw everyone. oman love goes out to eva baxter, (ahhh she is so gorgeous it makes me sick) anyway, kelly was showing off her newfound skinnyness and she pulled up her shirt to reveal her pierced belly button. eva goes: "kelly, hunnie, did you realize that you have a waterfall of faux diamonds coming out of your navel?" me: eva i love your hair it looks so good! eva: ya it was inspired by hilary duff. lindsey: so eva ya got a special someone yet? eva: lindsey so seem to be forgetting that i am majoring in politics. girls that like politics are cute, guys that like politics are not so cute. besides you either have guys that like politics, or guys that are over 30 asking you out on dates. thanks but no. lmao.. good times. lindseys wedding is the 15 of june... yay for her. talked with allison for a while. "ding dongs get me every time. they have always been an issue with me" :) much love to her. saw meg. didn't talk to her. i am still mad about that whole leighs party deal. the thing that makes me the maddest is that she drinks so much too. yes ok she is in college but its a little hypocrtitcal don't you think? just like that time when she tried to tell me not to throw up.... ok major shout out to amanda! lol amanda: im really not this skinny its just the outfit. these are my good butt pants! you are the funniest person ever. "scott's in ohio" whats in ohio anyways? "scott" ok

ok after i got done with my shout out paragraph... things don't seem very christmasy in my house. we don't have a tree or any decorations up at all. :( its just not the same. besides the fact that its like 70 degrees here in florida. man i wish it would snow. i don't think thats gonna happen. got my present from tracy. she gave me a really pretty necklace and matching earings. justin showed me his knife that he got from his girlfriend.... ugh i hate him so much. well i am gonna go because i don't feel very good....

oh my god i am so scared right now!!! :/ i just heard parts of my parents convo and i heard my dad say " so what did aljfd (didn't catch the name) say?" mom said. "she is going into a treatment center tomorrow." oh god do i hope that is not me. i know that my nutritionist has been talking about hospitalization or treatment centers again, (honestly i would rather be in a hospital) but i don't know if my parents know that (or sessions are confidential) ahhhhh!!!! ok calm down calm down, there is no way that they would put m in a treatment center on christmas eve.....

today i went to American for a fucking three hour practice. at least erica wasn't there to bitch at me. ms austin was there. she ahs lost so much weight. i think she was on the south beach diet. anyway she brought her kids who were just so adorable. emma looks just like her with blonde hair. gorgeous kids. anyway after that i helped deliver presents to the boys home of jax, which is a place that helps abused and/or neglected children. it was so sad, because the first building i went into this girl who was like 17 had a two year old and a was nursing a new born. i hugged her and told her merry christmas and she started to cry. :( she said that her christmas's aren't so merry anymore... ahhh that was a sad trip. but yeah after that i saw kathy sumrow again, (scott's mom) and that was sad too, she always has rough holidays since scott killed himself. especially this year, because it is like a family reunion at her house, but without her son. ok well that is sad. so after that i went to get my military id b/c i lost my old one, and they didn't change the stats so it says that i have brown hair (and my hair has always been blonde) and says that i weigh 130 pounds. good times lol. i think that i would just completely flip out if i weighed 130. after that came home... yeah and that pretty much winds me up right here... my head hurts.

Today was interesting. I had to see Leslie, my nutritionist, which was interesting i guess. she had to bring her boys, who are 18-month old twins, who were sick. :( they were sooo adorable. our goal for this week is to eat out once a week and order something normal. ummmm thanks but no. after that fiasco i went to cheerleading, which sucked!! ahh every two seconds erica was like kayla do it full out! yeah definately not doing that. i felt so weak. so after that my mom took me to lunch and i say christina sawyer, who i used to dance with. (she goes to UGA now) and then at the movies tonight i saw her AGAIN!!! too weird. anyway so then my mom had to go back into her old work and of course she dragged me along with her. i saw kathy sumrow (scott's mom) and she told me that i looked good because i the last time i saw her i looked kind of puney!! WTF!? that jsut really put me over the edge. everyone keeps on telling me how good i look and i even had someone tell me that i am starting to look like my old self. all i keep thinking about is how my old self was 146 fucking pounds. this is not good. i don't know what to do. my therapist said that throwing up has caught up with me, because most bulimics are on the higher end of average wieght. whatever. i just need to restrict. which by the way is what i have been doing but apparently i just need to excercise more. anyway i cut again last night..... damnit. i told myself i wouldn't do that anymore but sometimes i just need to be able to control something ya know? its not in an obvious spot, so no one will find out anyway. back to my day. got home and josh called while i was watchin oprah lol. so i went over to his house, and didn't know that he was stoned until i got there. it was so funny b/c we were listening to reggae and all of a sudden he was like "SCRABBLE!!!" good times good times. yeah so anyway, smoked a couple cigs, was about to take a drag of some hydro, but just as my luck would have it, my mom called and told me to come home. (figures) she dragged me to the movies, where i saw christina again (still think thats wierd) and came home to write about my day. better be going b/c i haev another three hour cheerleading practice tomorrow....

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